Have you noticed conflict increasing in your relationships when the external stress in your life increases? At the very times you could benefit from reassurance and security, your relationships are becoming more stressful and you feel anxious. According to researchers, Simpson and Rhodes, stress contributes to the level of conflict in your relationships by increasing felt insecurity. This is seen largely in partners who have fearful/avoidant or anxious/ambivalent attachment styles, but adult attachment styles can be improved and the effort is worth it. Here’s what you need to know to get started.

Humans are wired to connect with other humans. Depending on responsiveness from early caregivers, babies develop one of three attachment styles, secure, avoidant, or anxious. In the last 30 years, the theory of attachment has been applied in various ways to adult romantic relationships. In Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s book, “Attached”, they describe the science behind attachment and provide guidance on navigating insecure attachment styles. Because negative expectations about security, negative feedback loops, and being flooded with negative emotions can short circuit what would otherwise be neutral interactions, they suggest these basic guidelines: “1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. 2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. 3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. 4. Be willing to engage. 5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.” By focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship, being willing to endure some emotional discomfort, and carefully listening while refraining from defending, explaining, or blaming, we can learn to engage with our partner and find a way to meet their needs and have our own needs met. Stanton, Campbell, and Pink’s research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, demonstrated how engaging in positive intimacy-building activities and reflecting on positive relationship experiences led to more comfort and closeness for partners with avoidant attachment.

When we know where to develop our awareness of ourselves and our partners, we can begin to make some changes that will enhance our relationships. William Glasser, MD, who developed Reality Therapy and Choice Theory, believed almost all human problems/unhappinesses are the result of problems in relationships. This resonates with me so soundly that the majority of my work involves attachment theory and relationships. I dedicate myself to improving others’ abilities to engage with the ones they love the most. As a bonus for reading to the end, I’ve included a link to Harlow’s experiment with the wire monkey mamas and the fuzzy monkey mamas that taught us about the need for emotional attachment and security in relationships. This is one of my favorite studies and you can read about it here.